How Firmly Do You Stand on Self-Trust?
"If you can't trust yourself, can you even trust your mistrust of yourself?" ~Alan Watts
The mantra, “Trust yourself…” has echoed throughout life. It’s been a consistent whisper and teacher, especially in the face of being misunderstood, resistance, pushback, and dissonance.
I’m grateful for the extraordinary people who’ve supported my perpetual leaps of faith. One of those epic training moments came during an exhilarating 50-foot climb at a Tony Robbins event in Fiji, designed to push past the mind’s limitations and remain laser-focused on the goal (enjoy!):
While the incredible support and encouragement of others was immensely healing, I wouldn't have climbed a 50-foot pole without self-trust. That was the true gold mine, empowering me to leap off a shaky wooden platform no bigger than the size of a dinner plate. Something shifted within me on a cellular level that allowed me to apply this mindset to business.
During an initial scoping session with a client, a simple question revealed significant insights: "What challenges have you/your team faced in making progress on these projects in the past? For how long have you been aware of this? Why do you think this hasn’t been resolved yet?" After peeling back several layers through conversation, the core issue became apparent: there’s a lack of trust.
The most fruitful place to start in addressing such a complex issue is by looking inward, at the foundation of one’s own self-trust. It’s difficult, but it shapes every relationship and decision that follows. Negative thinking and blame only empowers the problem. It takes you out of the calm mental state necessary to invite in new ideas.
Here’s a little thought experiment for you: How do you make decisions when you trust yourself? How do you judge others, and yourself? What do you notice?
Inner trust shapes the lens through which you view the world, allowing you to build healthier, more authentic relationships. You walk with more confidence in your ability to navigate uncertainty, handle disappointments, and set boundaries that protect your well-being. As my friend Molly Ruben often says:
Boundaries = the Backbone for self-love.
Without self-trust, trusting others becomes a challenge. It reminds me of a thought-provoking piece from Alan Watts that often comes to mind when my own self-trust feels wobbly, especially when facing a tough decision:
If you can’t trust yourself, you can’t trust anything. Because if you can’t trust yourself, can you even trust your mistrust of yourself? Now you’re really in a pickle! ~Alan Watts, philosopher and speaker renowned for interpreting Eastern philosophy for Western audiences, exploring the nature of reality, consciousness, and the importance of self-awareness.
Realizing both the hilarity and wisdom in his question is key to navigating highly complex business challenges, negotiating better pay and contracts, managing relationship complexities, and dancing with life's uncertainties.
Okay, so, how can we strengthen it?
Given the depth and complexity of this topic, I'll dedicate the next few weeks to exploring various aspects of self-trust. A couple of initial areas to consider:
When someone says, “Trust your intuition,” what does this really mean to you? What about, “Listen to your gut/your heart/your instincts?”
How about, “Trust the ‘Yes’ and the ‘No’”? What does the “YES” feel like for you? What sensations does the “NO” reveal in your body? How do you already trust what feels expansive versus what feels constrictive?
The key here is to notice how your body responds. Your body is infinitely wise. Expansive energy often feels open and light, it sparks curiosity or a sense of peace. Constrictive energy can feel like a dead-end or pressure, often causing stress or unease. Your body often knows before your mind.
Continue to leverage helpful tools like pros/cons lists, upsides/downsides, cost/benefit analyses, etc. And, pay particular attention to how your body responds. Sometimes it picks up on subtle cues that the mind might miss. If your body feels tension, unease, or lightness, it could be signaling alignment or incongruence with the logical conclusions you're drawing. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve looked back at a situation and thought, “Ugh, my intuition was telling me this all along, but I couldn’t make sense of it logically at the time.”
The Impact of Dysregulation
Your emotional state can significantly impact this process, as well as your self-concept. States like frustration, overwhelm, hunger, or anxiety can cloud your judgment and distort your perception of yourself and others.
Gift yourself one minute of 4-7-8 breathing (hat-tip: Dr. Andrew Weil) to emotionally regulate before engaging in high-stakes conversations or making important decisions. This helps calm the nervous system, reduce stress, and center your mind. To practice, inhale quietly through your nose for a count of 4, hold your breath for a count of 7, then exhale completely through your mouth for a count of 8.
By focusing on your breath and slowing down your body’s response, you create a pause between stimulus and reaction, allowing you to proceed with clarity, composure, and a greater sense of agency and self-trust.
Harmonizing Constriction and Flow
Finding balance between the constricting and expansive forces can fortify self-trust. Consider these questions:
Where can you embody more trust in yourself?
Where can you release your attachment to outcomes?
Where can you increase your faith/trust/conviction that everything is unfolding exactly as it should right now?
Where can you engage in more physical movement, or a quick dance break in your living room, to reconnect with your body and trust in its wisdom?
Celebrating Progress
So many of us move through life without pausing to celebrate our contributions and achievements. Even the seemingly “small” victories can sustain motivation and reinforce self-trust. The research clearly demonstrates that acknowledging your contributions can serve as a powerful tool.
The Contribution Journal
Adam Grant’s collaboration with June Dutton at the University of California explored the psychological benefits of reflecting on one’s contributions to the workplace. Their research found that recognizing the positive impact and value you bring can significantly boost job satisfaction, motivation, and self-efficacy. Their research highlights the importance of contribution in reinforcing self-worth.
In addition to a gratitude practice, there are myriad benefits to maintaining a “Contribution Journal”:
Acknowledge your impact by writing down three ways you contributed to other people, whether through direct action or everyday acts of kindness.
Redirect your attention to what you have done, strengthening your sense of accomplishment.
Over time, this practice helps you compile a positive narrative of success, reinforcing the idea that you do, indeed, make a difference.
Recognize that every “small” effort counts and encourages a growth mindset of continuous improvement, fostering confidence in your ability to contribute meaningfully.
Reflect on your contributions once/day to reignite passion and enthusiasm.
A contribution journal encourages self-recognition (not easy, but worth it) and internal affirmation of your capabilities. Thanks to the reticular activating system (RAS), a part of the brain responsible for filtering and prioritizing information based on what you focus on, the brain is brilliantly designed to find evidence that aligns with your attention.
The more you seek to uncover your own unique value in this world, the more you’ll discover. I’d love to hear your thoughts if you decide to take on this practice.
This is the true joy in life, being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one. Being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances, complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as long as I live, it is my privilege to do for it what I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work, the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no brief candle to me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got hold of for the moment and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.
~George Bernard Shaw
I forgot about this pole climbing you shared with me. I could feel my own trepidation as you climbed the pole. And to actually almost get a hold of the trapeze....cheese Louise. You are inspiring. I am also reminded to put uplifting and positive things into my journal. How did I help to raise the vibration of the planet today.